Sympathy Gifts - Their Purposes and Uses

We received hundreds of sympathy cards after our elder daughter and my father-in-law died on the same weekend. Some of the cards contained checks. So many flowers were delivered that the house looked like a flower shop. We received more cards after my brother died two months later. The cards kept coming after my former son-in-law, the father or our twin grandchildren, also died.

Some public health friends, people I had worked with for several years, gave us a gift card for a local nursery. Friends assembled a caring basket filled with candy and more gift cards. The outpouring of caring and generosity was overwhelming. What could we do with these gifts?

All of the checks we received were sent to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. We asked the clinic to use the money for medical research. I do not recall the exact amount, but the checks added up to about $1,500.

Our orphaned grandchildren moved in with us. They used most of the caring basket gift cards and took friends to lunch and the movies. The cards got them out of the house and gave them some control over their confusing lives.

I wrote thank you notes to every person who gave us a sympathy gift. I told my public health friends that their gift would be used to create a garden in memory of my daughter. When I mentioned the idea to my grandchildren, however, their lack of interest was apparent. Creating a memorial garden was the last thing on their minds. Months passed and I brought up the idea again, and the kids still were not interested.

So on a dark and depressing winter day, I went to the flower shop and bought a pink cyclamen. I put it on the coffee table and it lasted for weeks. The blooming flowers brightened our spirits. As flowering plants often do in winter time, the cyclamen withered and died. I replaced it with another plant. And another. Watching buds form, grow larger, and bloom reminded me that life goes on.

Sympathy cards and gifts were more than expressions of caring, they were expressions of support. I knew I could turn to the givers if I needed help. My dear friends helped me to join life again. Bob Deits writes abut this process in his book, "Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life After Experiencing Major Loss."

"You cannot wait until you feel better and then decide to live again," Deits writes. Instead, you must make a conscious decision to re-join life. Sympathy gifts have helped me to do this and I am grateful for each one. You may have received sympathy gifts as well. How did they make you feel? What did you do with them? These gifts are comforting and can gently nudge you toward your new life. Enjoy them.

Copyright 2009 by Harriet Hodgson

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