It has come to my attention that people do not learn their lessons. No matter how many times they are beaten up by the same one. Over and over again that lesson smacks them across the face, and over and over again they go back for more. Their friends tell them the reality of the situation, their therapist tells them what to do - and they ignore both. They even ignore their own gut instinct that screams the truth out to them all day, every day; and despite knowing that they are making the same mistake again, they still blunder into it as if this time it will be different.
I have a feeling that we all know someone who has done this, is doing this, and perhaps that person even looks back at you every morning when you look in the mirror.
The Ex Hex is a classic example of total and utter stupidity winning over common sense and gut instinct. Even though the relationship is over, even though the relationship went wrong, even though one or both of you behaved inappropriately or inconsiderately, you (the one who looks back at you in the mirror) still want that person back in your life, still thinking that it will all work out for the good, this time.
If somebody else was doing what you were doing you would think they were a mentally deficient. If you try to relate your mental deficiency to theirs, you tell yourself that your situation is 'different'. If you make the same mistake over and over again, you convince yourself that success comes from failure. If you fail to succeed in regaining the love of your Ex, you feel like a failure. Why? Because you are one. And you're mentally deficient.
You should ask yourself one thing - why do I want something that is broken?
Think about it - you had a relationship with your Ex. It went wrong. So wrong that you split up. Either you were glad or you were hurt. But now (like all those other fools), you want it back. Despite the damage that is so obviously irreparable.
Once something is broken, it is broken, it is never the same, it will never be better than it was before, it will be worse, it will be the damaged version of the first thing that went wrong and so it will be less good than before and it will not work, just like it didn't work the first time - do not trust something that has been repaired, especially a relationship, it is never as good as it was in the first place.
For some reason, people trying to get back together with their Ex is a regular issue. One that I have to endure on a regular basis from people that will not see the truth, the facts or the reality. It is a comfort zone problem, a need for familiarity, a fear of trying something new, of having to learn about someone else, of having to make an effort instead of being able to coast downhill with someone who has been there before. And unfortunately, if you get back together with your Ex, that is exactly what will happen - it will go downhill. But this time, the decline will be steeper, the dysfunction more rapid and the self-hatred more pronounced.
Whether you were the one to cause the pain, the one to feel the pain, or a bit of both, once someone is your Ex, they should stay that way. Once the trust is broken, there is nothing you can do that will bring it back to its former glory. There is no way to make that relationship work properly again, to be able to feel fully free again, to really enjoy yourself as you used to; because somewhere inside of you, you know that this might go wrong, you know that this will end up where it ended up last time, you know that the truth is staring you in the face and you are denying it to yourself by lying to yourself and allowing yourself to place false hope on a hopeless situation.
And so, despite the glory of 'make up' sex, despite the thrill of revisiting places you know so well on another person (even as it feels like the first time again), despite the urge to feel comfortable with someone, and despite the need to be attached to a memory of the past, getting back with your Ex is nothing but a disaster waiting to happen, nothing but a dream that will become a nightmare, nothing but a question with the same answer. Every time. Without fail.
If you are still hung up on your Ex. If you are still wishing that you could repair the damage. If you are waiting for the right time, or even pursuing the wrong route, now is the time to stop, the time to realize that you need to get a life, you need to move forward not backward, you need to be honest with yourself, you need to remember that either you dumped them or they dumped you, or both; and when that happened it was the right thing to happen. If you are the one who got dumped, move away with dignity. If you are the one who discarded them, don't go back and pick up something that you didn't want then and won't want later. If you mutually agreed to end it, then maturely agree to keep it that way. Life is not a movie. You cannot hit rewind. You can only hit play, and playing the same game with the same person in the same way will only lead to the same result in the end. Thinking that you can change the game to change the result will only lead to an unnatural and uncomfortable playing field that won't be any fun anyway. It will be repetitive. And painful.
So, get over the Ex. Get rid of the Hex. Do not get suckered into the illusion that "for me it's different", stop thinking that you are special or clever, and stop hoping that somehow a magic spell will come along and take away all the badness. It won't happen, you are not that special or that clever, and it will end. Yet again.
Trust is the most important part of any relationship. It is the foundation of your integrity. And that is not to say that you have to be perfect to have a trusting relationship, you simply need to be able to trust that your partner, the person you are with, the one you love the most, is respectful enough of your feelings that they will always put you first, that they will always make you feel special, that they will over-ride your fears with the power of their love (even if they are not perfect and even if you suspect their imperfections). Trust is broken when the ugly truth is revealed, and once that comes to light, once you know that your partner has broken your trust, everything changes... for the worse... and is never as good as it once was. Whether it be the end of your relationship and they become your Ex, or it becomes a part of your relationship and you maintain the facade, breaking the trust is the killer that cannot be over-powered - it is always there to remind you.
If your Ex still haunts your dreams, if you have wishes of regaining their love and re-building that memory (the one you invented), then I have sympathy for you, but I also have a warning - if you do not move on, you will not grow and you will simply wither in the illusion of a life that only leads to more disappointment brought on by your own desperation and weakness.
Be realistic. Learn your lessons. Let go.
Guy Blews